Six Supervillain Weapons That Will Be Murdering You Tomorrow

Feature Image Dr Doom 560x226Right up until a couple of years ago, modern man enjoyed such basic pleasures in life like privacy, lack of visual experiences with bestiality porn and the ease of mind that can only come from the realization he will not be brutally killed by a super weapon straight out of science fiction stories. Sadly, with the advent of advanced technology, these basic freedoms are no longer available to us.

Oh we could spend hours telling you how better life was before we knew just how big a horse’s penis can get, but for now, let’s talk about all those futuristic murder devices just waiting around the corner to zap us all to Kingdom Come.

6) Multiple Kill Vehicle

Let’s admit it, the words “multiple” and “vehicle” should only have “whore” or “ice-cream” in between them. Adding “kill” to the mix is some straightforward supervillain territory which should never have been trotted by the US Army.

The MKV was a planned military hover drone of pure horror and destruction. Designed as a small (around 10 pounds) weapon, it could fly and specialized in spraying its surrounding area with more bullets than there are people in the country it’s currently invading. But words are cheap; they are the bottom-feeding whores of the world of description. Here is a video:

Rest assured that the urine in your pants right now is perfectly natural

The army’s plan was to deploy several of these killbots on the battlefield at once, wait for everything to be dead and call it a day. Luckily, due to recent budget cuts and a sudden flash of sanity in the Pentagon, the MKV project has been terminated. Still, the prototypes (probably several of them) are out there in some dark, damp government storage facility, just waiting to be stolen by an aspiring supervillain.

5) Earthquake Machine

In 2006 a new mad scientist has revealed himself to the world by causing a series of earthquakes in Switzerland’s north-western city of Basel. The fiend, known now simply as Markus Haering and as “Doctor Haerthquake” in the near future, caused the Earth to rumble with his humongous deep-level drill burrowing over 3 miles into the surface of the Earth.

Why was he doing that exactly? Why, to harness the geothermal energy of the planet of course. You know: the clean, renewable and above all else free type of energy? The most important thing, other than a catchy nickname and a ridiculous costume, needed to become a certified supervillain? Yeah, Haering is basically one cape away from becoming just that.

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The Earthquake Machine is currently decommissioned as Haering awaits trial for a crime so novel they will probably have to invent new forms of the death penalty to punish him. But the device is still very much operational and we don’t think anyone is keeping THAT close an eye on it… we’re just sayin’…

4) ED-209

Remember “RoboCop”? Remember the movie murderific ED-209? The big, black electronic monster that perforated some guy in a suit due to his botched voice recognition software. Yeah, that thing… South Korea more or less built one in real life.

Say hello to and start worshipping as your God the Samsung SGR-A1, a robotic sentry set to replace the human guards in the demilitarized zone at the South and North Korea border. These future robot overlords of Korea are programmed to visually track and open fire on everything in their vicinity which does not respond to an initial verbal warming, proving once and for all that Asians are prejudice against deaf people.

The Samsung SGR-A1 (which incidentally is an acronym for “Gags R’ Us, Man… s1”) will be able to orphan Korean children with his highly advanced 5.56 mm robotic machine gun, which for some strange reason will also fire rubber bullet (probably to taunt the victim for a bit).

Currently the robot retails for only $200,000. Taking all bets just how fast they will make it available to paranoid millionaires: A week? 6 days?

3) Petawatt Laser

Let’s take another stroll down cinematic memory lane. Remember “Back to the Future”? Of course you do. But do you also remember how big of a deal the Doc and Marty were making to get the 1.21 gigawatt necessary to power the time traveling Delorian? Well, a petawatt is a million gigawatts, which is exactly the type of power generated by a certain laser located in California.

The petawatt laser is one of the few human devices of truly Godly properties. Not only generating more energy needed to power the Death Star for a year, the Livermore’s laser can split atoms, more or less bend the laws of physics and maybe even produce antimatter as a side effect.

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Best part is, it’s the same as all those fictional lasers, meaning you can actually see its beam. Its terrifying, pants-wetting-inducing beam. Currently 6 countries are developing their own petawatt lasers, with only the American one existing. It’s so nice to see that future wars will not be fought with nuclear weapons. We will in fact be killing each other with lasers… just like in the movies!

2) Electrolaser

What do you get when you combine the electroshock hilarity of a Taser with the long-range possibilities and horror of the Almighty God’s wrath? A reason to take up religion or the Joint IED Neutralizer, a military weapon designed by Ionatron to artificially create and aim lightning strikes.

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The science is a bit confusing here, so we will go ahead and assume it’s partially magic. By creating a sort of invisible corridor for electric conductivity above the target (a virgin sacrifice will probably suffice), the Neutralizer operator can remotely send a massive amount of electro-shockdeath to any damn place he pleases, literarily wiping it off the face of the Earth, as if he was Thor himself. There is of course no way that a weapon of such power will ever cause anyone to go insane and try to conquer the world.

Actually when you get down to it, the Joint IED Neutralizer is sort of like a supervillain weather machine. Only the Army has it. And according to the rumors, it has already been tested in Iraq. Better join up now and get on the ground-floor of the military world domination.

1) Soviet Doomsday Machine

In “Dr. Strangelove” the Soviets had built a doomsday device set to obliterate all life on Earth if there is a nuclear attack on Soviet soil. A crazy, nonsensical plan of refined insanity that could only come from the mind of famous director Stanley Kubrick… and the former high staff of the USSR. Ladies and gentlemen… the Soviet Doomsday Device, virtually identical to the one in “Dr. Strangelove” was indeed built-in real life over 25 years ago in the height of the Cold War. And it’s fully operational even today.

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Called The Perimeter or “Dead Hand”, the device was a quick response system which would launch the country’s nuclear stockpile (still second only to the US) directly on America if its sensors recorded atomic activity inside Russia’s borders. So even if the evil capitalist pigs bombarded the Kremlin killing every high-ranking Soviet politician and officer, the Dead Hand would be there to take vengeance for them from beyond their smoldering radioactive graves.

To this day not a lot of people have heard about it, despite it not being kept a secret at all. Not even a few selected higher-ups in the US government know The Perimeter exists… And these are the people who DO have the authority to trigger a nuclear Armageddon.

Right now, a nuclear attack on modern Russia would be like blowing up a beehive only to find out it was full of toxic nerve gas and radioactive acid.

Sleep tight, world.

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