Four Reasons Why You Love Your Car More Than Your Wife

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There are only a handful of absolute truths in the universe. Love is blind, plants need water and cake is the worldly equivalent of God’s love for mankind.

However, one of the universe’s greatest truths is that a man will inevitably see in an inanimate object all that he doesn’t see in his spouse. With that in mind, let us take note of the many things that a man’s car can offer that his own wife cannot.

Your car doesn’t protest your decisions

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Sometimes it seems like EVERYTHING you do is some kind of major mistake when you’re with your spouse.

She puts up a fight when you try to buy the new “sweet lumps of sugar” cereal at the supermarket. She bursts in anger when you try to clean the dishes with the garden hose. She splits your eardrums every time you turn the TV to “Cops” and verbally abuses you when you try to show the kids how you’d “take care” of an unwanted beehive.

When you take your car out for a spin, it doesn’t start to lip off about everything you happen to be doing wrong. It hums and whirrs happily along as you drive over the median and run the red lights.

Your car doesn’t mind if you take your shoes off

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It’s so true; your car never seems to mind your exposed toes in the least. If only the same could be said for the old lady; giving you crap at the mere sight of your feet propped up on the coffee table in the living room.

Suddenly, you find yourself under attack (in every sense of the term) for even thinking of exposing your repugnant, repulsive feet anywhere near your woman. In your car, you never have to duck your head in fear of being sideswiped by a stray projectile shoe. Relaxing in general comes easier in your car than it does within a 50 foot radius of you-know-who.

Your car will let you sleep

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“Honey, can you do me a favor…”

Those words are every married man’s mortal enemy. Seemingly, moments after you’ve somehow managed to roll and claw your way into a not-so-deep yet ever-so-sweet slumber, these words show up in the metaphorical form of a massive kick to the crotch from a very angry giant. Prepare yourself; from experience, you probably know whatever “favor” your wife may need from you, it’s not going to be something you can accomplish without getting up and out of bed.

In your car, you can feel free to pass out from exhaustion whenever you’d like. Your car never asks for any favors and you can finally get the rest you so desperately crave.

You always have the key to it

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Sometimes, having the key to your car can feel downright empowering; like possessing the power of life and death. Yes, having that key can make some men feel like Zeus himself. You can always get in there, turn it on and start driving if you so please (*ahem* if you catch our drift).

Things are most definitely NOT the same with your wife. Hell, sometimes it seems like you may never see the inside of that vehicle ever again. Get used to it friend, because she’ll never let you drive if she’s not “feelin’ it.”


Remember when all content on the internet existed in the form of forwarded emails or message board posts? Lists like this will take you back to that time…

Top 30 Reasons Why Cars Are Better Than Women

  1. You can look at pictures of nice cars all you want to and not feel like a pervert.
  2. You can lust after another car and your current car won’t care.
  3. You can hang any kind of car picture in your dorm room and not get in trouble.
  4. Women can’t go 200 miles per hour.
  5. A woman can’t carry four of your friends on a road trip.
  6. You can replace your car any time you want and not feel bad.
  7. A car doesn’t have girlfriend cars that will talk about you and tell her that you are not good for her.
  8. You can’t install sub-woofers in a woman.
  9. You can rub and wax a car in your driveway and not get arrested.
  10. Cars don’t care if you leave them in the garage overnight.
  11. Cars don’t care if you go on a trip for three weeks and don’t call them.
  12. If you are nice enough, your friend will almost always let you borrow their car.
  13. You can get together with friends and compare cars and not sound like pigs.
  14. Cars don’t get mad at you for no reason every 28 days.
  15. You can have two cars at once and they won’t be jealous of each other.
  16. Cars don’t have relatives that you have to be nice to.
  17. You can always test drive a car before making a commitment.
  18. Cars come with an owners manual.
  19. Your car does not care if you get fat and walk around with no shirt on.
  20. You have 100% complete control over the direction of that car at all times.
  21. You can stare at nice cars in a parking lot and your car won’t care.
  22. You can’t put a bumper sticker that says “How’s my driving? Dial 1-800 EAT-S*IT!” on a woman.
  23. Cars could not care less about commitment.
  24. You don’t mind too much if your friends always want a ride in your car.
  25. If your car is being repaired, you can usually get a loaner car.
  26. If you are 21, you can legally rent a car. ‘Nuff said..
  27. You can complain about how ratty your car looks and people think it’s funny.
  28. You can sell your car to a complete stranger and nobody will get mad at you.
  29. A woman does not have keyless entry or remote ignition
  30. and finally. There are 50 year old cars that still look good
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