A Tribute to Toy Garages
Let’s assume for just a second that you were a boy growing up. Look, it makes no difference whether or not you’ve come to terms with your feminine side since your adolescence and are now sporting a skirt and tits, the point is you were a boy, at one time. Okay, now that we’ve got that covered, let’s also assume that while growing up you played with toy cars like Matchbox and HotWheels and the like. (Sigh) this really isn’t going to advance this paragraph of narrative if you keep interrupting with horror stories from your youth! Yes, I get it, you preferred dolls and tucking your dick into your crotch, but I’m sure your family -in all their misunderstanding glory- still bought you cars and manly toys in hopes of curing your ‘queer’, right? Okay, no let me finish! As you drove your cars around having mock races and police chases, you probably wondered how cool it would have been to own a garage for said vehicles! Well, check out a bunch of really cool garages from our collective youth and quit bitching about how you wish you could make a child, whiner.
Yeah, this one’s a bit more modern and, subsequently, a bit more lame. I just could never get into anthropomorphic cars. Their doors were too small. Ha!
How’s this for classic? The Toy Town Garage was an early 30′s attempt to cash in on the new ‘Grease Monkey’ craze by offering the most minimal garage imaginable to aspiring ‘Greasers’. It came complete with driving gloves and a How-To Talk Like a 30′s East-Coaster book.
You know, nothing screams harrowing excitement like… PARKING. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been searching for a spot in one of our many ramps when, out of nowhere, a breathtaking chase will break out. Happens all the time.
I see the makers of this simulacrum have taken a page from reality and placed the snacks as close as humanly possible to the gas pumps so your oven-rolled hot dogs taste like unleaded. Yum.
Well, this little tyke appears to be having a right jolly old time sending his cars to their eminent doom as the carom down the steep parking ramp directly into a gas pump. Oh the humanity!
Now here we have an actual garage like you’d find at your own house! You know the one I mean: where daddy keeps his ‘Special Magazines’ and that lady he’s tied up who used to bother him so much at work. Daddy’s your hero!
What’s so damn much fun about this Parking Garage since it, too has a grossly misplaced fuel pump you’re no doubt asking yourself? Well screw you pal! You could slap the HotWheels label on a bag of rotten lettuce and it would instantly become cool. Dick.
In concept this looks like the brainchild of a raving lunatic, but if you look more closely you’ll see the hidden genius within: the damn thing has a rotating restaurant atop the spiral ramp with no visible means of entrance or exit. Absolutely amazing. Apparently it’s a prison colony.
This was the very first ‘Little People’ car garage from back in the 60′s. Little People have come an awful long way since then what with their pose-able arms and waists and the myriad accessories you can acquire… anyway, this garage has an elevator, for fuck sake! What more could you want?
Holy shit! Now that’s a complete garage! Look at all that extra whatnot that this set comes with: pre-flattened pedestrians for all your manslaughter action-needs, plastic vehicles that not one of the characters fits in, and enough other crap to make me end every one of these sentences with a preposition! Whoa!
Boy, you can surely tell that this set is meant for kids under 3: not a straight line or corner in sight. Damn toy, you safe!
Now we’re talking! This little entrepreneur’s classic has not only a city scape for a backdrop and a built in galleria, but also an attached road stuck in a permanent Lovecraftian Loop forcing those who dare to leave to immediately return! Insanity!
This particular set really has the look and feel of an Any-Town garage, especially those in the deep, rural areas of the Southern states that always seem to turn up in horror flicks that feature psychopathic mutants and chainsaws.
Despite the fact that Micro Machines were incredibly small and perilously easy to swallow, they really did pull out all the stops when creating their city scenes! This Street Corner set even came with a really, really tiny hooker!
I don’t recall if this set was made available by any specific toy car company or if it was some kind of gas station exclusive you could order through Exxon, but what I do remember is the signed affidavit from Mr. Hazelwood.
This is either the precursor or follow-up to the ‘Little People’ one from above and it looks like it probably came out roughly the same time. No, I really have no other witty quips for this one. Move along, nothing more to see here.
This is what happens when the creative genius behind your company is an 85-year old doddering grandfather. Sure, I had one of these. But that’s because my grandpa actually did make it. Not so much funny as it is sadly true.
This one has that modern-meets-retro feel that seems to be all the rage these days. I’m pretty sure it comes with those cars that have the magnets on either end allowing you to attach them to one another like some kind of Orwellian ultra-traffic jam. Joy!
Leave it to the French to want to 1-Up everyone else’s toys by adding adding a helicopter landing pad to the top. What is this, Blue Thunder? Damn frogs…
Oh. Hell. and Yes. Just look at this beautiful piece of building brick Heaven! A tow truck, mechanics, extra tires, tools… it’s just overflowing with hours and hours of extreme play-ability! Then, you can smash it to bits and add it to your giant tub of LEGO you’ve lost the instructions to. Good times.