Five Likely Successors to Unbaby.me

UnbabyAugust 1st saw the debut of Unbaby.me, a Chrome extension that promises to rid your Facebook news feed of baby pictures and replace them with “awesome stuff.” The creation of three late-20s/early-30s ad agency employees who themselves have grown weary of the baby barrage, Unbaby.me has already garnered tens of thousands of Facebook likes and plenty of downloads.

With that type of success, it’s pretty clear that there is a market for such applications, at least to the extent that a bunch of malcontent Facebook users can be considered a “market.” So yeah, there is a market of about a billion people or so.

That in mind, we’ve presumed to tell you what’s next, to predict which “replacement apps” similar to Unbaby.me are surely in the works right now, and if they’re not, should be. We’ve even given them super-clever names and taglines. Here, for your reading and maybe even app-developing pleasure, are the next Unbaby.me’s. You’re welcome, entrepreneurs and app developers.

Pity Police

Turn your friends' self-pity into positivity!

Pity Police is an app that will scan Facebook statuses for key phrases — among them "my heart," "emotional pain," and the lamenter's favorite "who your true friends are" — that usually signal an ostentatious pity parade. When such a status is discovered, the app will replace it with a message that oozes confidence in place of insecurity. So instead of this:

Whine

You'll see something like this:

Positive

Admittedly, your friends will now come off as cocky assholes rather than whiny attention seekers. But at least this way you won't feel bad for making fun of them!

UnPundit

Don't unfriend. UnPundit!

We're all subjected daily to our Facebook friends' political opinions, some of them insightful and measured, some reaching Lochte levels of stupidity. So how do you avoid rage-inducing political posts without sacrificing the thoughtful ones?

UnPundit! This customizable app will search statuses and images for politically charged keywords and replace any offending posts with your choice of:

  • a simple warning, with a reminder to read carefully and not get immediately pissed off
  • a status that says exactly the opposite of what your friend intended
  • an image of booze, because of its ability to diffuse political arguments
  • and many more options
beers

Pictured: Your friend's thoughts on the Affordable Care Act

Then, assuming UnPundit has done its job by flipping off your indignant anger switch, you can choose to proceed to the original post.

Swole Patrol

Skip the gym EVERY day!

Simple one here. Swole Patrol will replace nauseating crap like this:

swolepatrol

With delicious images like this:

fatgirls

And speaking of delicious...

Food Fix

No more food on Facebook...Instagram be damned!

We all love food, but we also love to bitch about our friends' Instagrammed images of their culinary endeavors. Food Fix will seek images with food-themed tags and replace them with repulsive photos. Your friend posted a pic of his "famous fish sticks" yet again? Don't worry, you'll see something vomitous like this:

rodmancarrottop

Okay, so the app might nix this particular photo because there is what appears to be an overcooked carrot in it, but you get the idea.

DeMeme

Yes, we include those fucking someecards.

Image memes have become society's primary form of communication, but you don't have to get sucked into the mire. DeMeme will replace all those two-second laughs and shallow declarations of swag or sarcasm or whatever and replace them with, well, smart stuff. No more this:

someecard

Instead, you'll see a link to a TED Talk, MIT's OpenCourseWare, or hell even beer recommendations from your favorite men's-interest website — really just anything that inspires more thought than funny pictures with marginally clever captions.

Concept UAG Thumb Andretti Mauler Scion-Thumb Tundra

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