Twenty Fictional Weapons Do Battle
Have you ever wondered what kind of knock down-drag out battle it would be if two of fiction’s most famous weapons went head to head? Two powerful swords like Link’s Master Sword and He-Man’s Sword of Power? How about two video game characters like Samus Aran versus Mega Man? Well, here we’ve taken twenty different weapons and played out scenarios where each battle has a definite outcome… and some might be surprising.
- The Death Star Vs. Unicron
The Death Star - A moon-sized Space Station that proved its destructive mettle by obliterating the planet Alderaan.
Unicron - A planet-sized interdimentional mechanical robot capable of destroying and devouring other planets.
Sadly, this isn't much of a contest. Unicron is intelligent and would likely surmise right away that only one side of the pathetically under-gunned Death Star poses any real threat. In the time it would take for the hundreds of Imperial officers to rotate and ready their 'Ultimate Weapon', Unicron would already be latched on and in the process of devouring the entire thing. Considering it only took a few Rebellion ships to destroy a space station that actually got off only two death shots, Unicron would reduce this useless sphere to junk in no time.
However, were luck to be on The Death Star's side, and everything went exactly as planned, it is possible -however unlikely- that Unicron misses his opportunity and the giant laser fires true thereby obliterating the massive Transformer in one shot. But I highly doubt this would ever happen.
- Talec’s Blades Vs. Predator’s Discs
Talec - An interdimentional drug dealer who injects fluid into his victims and extracts their endorphins. His primary weapon is a wrist gun that launches hyper-vibrating and spinning deadly discs.
The Predator - A hunter alien with an impressive collection of weapons and killing methods including a throwing disc that returns to its wielder.
The Predator is plain and simply a hunter. That's all it knows and that's all it does. It has the capability to turn completely invisible and can hide just about anywhere. Talec is also an alien, but he enjoys being seen so he can spout off his one liner about 'coming in peace'. His main goal is to subdue his prey, typically with his wrist discs, and jam a spike into the back of the skull why he merges chemicals with the victim's own endorphins. So who wins?
Despite the wicked spinning blades shooting from Tales's weapon, The Predator has his innate ability on his side. His discs are bigger and, comparatively, a bit clunkier, but they more than get the job done. It's a battle none the less, but The Predator wins and wrenches Talec's head and spine out for his trophy case.
Winner: The Predator
- Pinhead’s Chains Vs. Ghost Rider’s Chain
Pinhead - A sadomasochistic demon with a penchant for blurring the lines between pleasure and pain. His primary torture device is a seemingly endless supply of hooked and rusted chains he can wield at will.
Ghost Rider - The Spirit of Vengeance who's soul purpose is to protect the innocent by punishing the wicked. This is done by destroying their very souls with the use of mystical fire than can come from Ghost Rider himself, as well as his demonic chains.
This battle is pretty unbalanced, really. It's basically like pitting light against darkness: almost impossible since, inevitably, one snuffs out the other completely.
But let's leave that aside for a moment, and just focus on the chains that each must use in this particular fight. Pinhead's are will-controlled and are tipped with wicked hooks, and each is coated with both horrific corrosion, and the blood stains of his many, many victims. He can seemingly produce as many as he desires and each can easily flay flesh from bone.
However, as cool as that all is, Ghost Rider doesn't have much in the way of flesh, nor does pain seem to really effect him in any way. And as for his chains? Well much like his opponent's, his one is controlled purely by Ghost Rider's will and is weighted on the end with heavy metal to pack a vicious punch. But what's worse is the fact that like the Rider himself, it is enveloped in mystical fire. The battle would be gruesome and quite long, but ultimately... it's a tie. And not necessarily because Ghost Rider's chain use his very own power to send the souls of the wicked to Hell, but mostly for the reason that Pinhead IS Hell. Pinhead leaves and transports himself to someone else who wants to blur the line between pleasure and pain... and Ghost Rider will follow.
- The Sword of Omens Vs. The Starsword
Lion-O - The current 'Lord of the Thundercats', Lion-O wields the Sword of Omens and the powers it bestows upon him including energy bolts and 'Sight Beyond Sight'.
John Blackstar - The Starsword imbues the holder (John Blackstar) with incredible strength and dexterity, as well as being able to absorb and deflect any form of energy.
As epic sword battles go, it would be tough to do better than Lion-O versus Jon Blackstar. Both swords represent the very peak of each of the combatant's powers, with comparable strengths and abilities. The only real difference is that The Lord of the Thundercat's Sword of Omens doesn't really do much to increase or otherwise augment his physical strength, where Blackstar's significantly hightens his core aptitude and generates a major improvement in his fighting skills. So what does all this mean in the outcome?
Lion-O discovers Blackstar is on his trail before John and his Starsword even know it. You see, one of The Sword of Omen's strengths is it ability to grant 'Sight Beyond Sight'. This gives Lion-O a major advantage and the element of surprise. Besides, he's a cat! He sneaks up on John and ends the fight before it even begins.
- Vega’s Wrist Claw Vs. Wolverine’s Claws
Vega - A masked Ninjitsu fighter who uses various acrobatics and martial arts, as well as weapons including a razor-sharp wrist claw, in battle.
Wolverine - Core member of the X-Men and one of the most well-known comic book characters in history, Wolverine gets down to business with his sets of retractable adamantium claws.
The difference in finesse and skill in this fight is like night and day. Wolverine is like a human blender: all noise, blades, and -if he's not properly contained- very, very messy. He often says he's the best there is at one he does, and what he does isn't pretty. This couldn't be more appropriate.
Vega is a truly skilled acrobatic fighter who uses Ninjitsu to its full advantage. He is lightning quick, poetry in motion, and quite brutally accurate with his claws. He has been trained to perfection and he absolutely knows it. So? Which victor gets the spoils?
Sorry Vega, but Wolverine is a proficient killing machine. His claws are made from the hardest substance in the Marvel universe and are razor sharp. His whirlwind brutality is just far too overwhelming for Vega. Wolverine will not stop when a target is found, and even stabs and cuts will do little to even slow him down. And even if Vega somehow managed to do some real damage, Wolverine's healing factor is automatic and will bring him back from the brink in mere moments.
- Thundarr’s Sunword Vs. Luke’s Lightsaber
Thundarr The Barbarian - A weapon magically linked to Thundarr that is able to deflect energy, disrupt magic, and slice through virtually anything.
Luke Skywalker - Jedi Master and a powerful ally of The Force, Luke's main weapon -when forced to fight- is a Lightsaber, which itself can deflect energy, slice through nearly every solid object, and can be controlled through mental commands.
This fight should be over pretty quickly, I can almost hear you all saying to yourselves. But not so fast. This battle has to do with the weapons, not the fact the Luke has The Force. But how can that be avoided? Well, in many of the books, there are creatures who, within a specific radius of a Jedi, nullify his or her Force capabilities. So let's just assume for the sake of argument that this is the case here.
So this leaves us blade versus blade. Both are very similar, even going so far as to have their main energy feature emanate from the hilt itself. And, once 'extended', both possess the ability to deflect blasts and, presumably, perform similarly to a typical lightsaber battle. As the fight commences, we notice one key thing: Thundarr is quite a bit more powerful. Sure, as a Jedi, Luke is a master and could ultimately crush Thundarr in a heartbeat, but when it comes to brute strength with said sword, Thundarr is a brute. So does this mean Luke succumbs to the barbarian?
In this case, it does. Thundarr wears Luke out and bests him in a melee battle. It takes some time, but Luke's ultimate power of The Force is is main ally, and when it's rendered useless, he just isn't strong enough to win in a fight of strength against a far stronger opponent.
- Link’s Master Sword Vs. He-Man’s Power Sword
Link - Hero of Hyrule, rescuer of Princess Zelda, and wielder of the Master Sword, Link's weapon can banish evil, deflect evil spells, and protects Link in his destruction of Gannon.
He-Man - The Power Sword grants Prince Adam the ability to transform into the ultimate hero, He-Man. His sword also deflects energy bolts, creates discharges itself, and is indestructible.
Once again we have two opponents with two extremely powerful swords. On the one hand, we have Link who is quite the skilled swordsman, so much so that part of his training revolves around gathering more and more powerful swords until he acquires the one weapon he needs to vanquish evil. On the other hand is He-Man; Prince Adam part time, and only heroic when his Power Sword grants him the strength to become the Master of the Universe. This battle could be tight.
But in this case it boils down to who is the most persistently heroic. Link is a relentless evil-slaying machine. His non-stop killing of any and all monsters that occupy Hyrule is legendary. He absolutely will not quit; dungeons, treacherous landscapes, towers, caves... you name it, Link barrels in headlong and doesn't quit until his goal is achieved. He-Man, however, reverts back to the goofy Prince Adam when his thwarting is complete. Sure, his Power Sword is an epic weapon and it can do pretty amazing things... things that the Master Sword can also do, and better. The battle is on... and over. Link wins the day.
- Samus Aran Vs. Mega Man
Samus Aran - Samus's Power Suit imbues her with various weapons and abilities including -but not limited to- wave beams, ice beams, high jumping, and rockets.
Mega Man - Mega Man is a cybernetic organism created by Dr. Light that can think and act on its own. His primary weapon is his arm cannon and the ability to absorb and use the powers of any other robot including rockets, saw blades, tops, and bubbles, among hundreds of others.
Two weapons. Two fighters. Two arm cannons. But who wins? In this case, it's pretty simple in the end.
Samus Aran's weapon is a suit. Plain and simply: it is a gun built into body armor. Granted it's a wonderful weapon capable of acquiring and converting other power sources into itself such as missiles, freeze blasts, and bombs that pop out when the suit converts the wearer into a rolling ball. Like I said: pretty cool. But, still just a suit.
Mega Man is a robot. His entire being is a weapon and is used as such when he, too, converts the evil robots he destroys into usable energy. On occasion he has absorbed such attributes as bombs, boomerangs, fire balls, and lightning among many others. He is in a constant flux of rotating powers and abilities, and uses them all with precision.
Unfortunately for Samus, once Mega Man defeats her, he, too, will be able to roll into a ball.
Winner: Mega Man
- Zorro’s Rapier Vs. Indiana Jones’s Whip
Zorro - Masked vigilante, sly, fox-like, and suave, Don Diego leaves his trademark 'Z' etched into any available surface (including people's clothes) after outwitting and vanquishing his foes.
Indiana Jones - Professor of archeology, famed paleontologist and adventurer, Dr. Henry 'Indiana' Jones, Jr. keeps away those attempting to steal away treasures for themselves with a bullwhip.
We all know how the supposed sword battle ended between Indy and the Saracen guard: never bring a blade to a gun fight. But this is different. Indy has no gun, and Zorro is an unequaled master of his rapier. But does the arrogant archeologist stand a chance with his whip against the Sly Fox and his steel?
He does. You see, even if Zorro gains an upper hand with the sword; maybe slicing a bit of skin here and there, and parrying every thrust with a jab, the fact of the matter is, Dr. Jones is a bruiser and as tightly wound as a coiled snake... ahem. Indiana knows how to fight, and has successfully shrugged off many men at once, mostly with his fists and whip. Sure, Zorro has the same ability, but he's more of the pop in, slash a bit, pop out kind of guy more satisfied just leaving his trademark 'Z' than anything else.
Indiana plays with Zorro for a while, but eventually he gets annoyed and lashes his ankles with his whip. Once down, Zorro is all but powerless, and one fist to the jaw puts a few more Z-Z-z-z-z's in his day.
Winner: Indiana Jones
- Ash’s Chainsaw Vs. Lionel’s Lawnmower
Ash Williams - A regular Joe trapped out of time in an alternate past where Deadites threaten a kingdom and evil is everywhere, Ash fashions himself a weapon for his severed hand in the form of the chainsaw he used to banish the dead in a cabin in the woods.
Lionel Cosgrove - Unwitting pawn in a zombie outbreak caused by the pathogenic bite of a Sumatran Rat Monkey, Lionel manages to contain the horde in his dead-alive mother's home and dismembers the crowd with a lawnmower.
I could have picked just about any horror movie icons, but something about these two fellows just screams potential yard-tool showdown.
Ash's chainsaw is attached to his wrist, thanks in part to his own need to hack off his hand to rid himself of evil. Normal folks might just leave it at that and find a more appropriate prosthesis. But not Ash. Ash discovered that a quick modification and a nifty cuff would make for a great attaching point for a really wicked chainsaw.
Lionel needed a quick and easy way to plow through a houseful of zombies. So, what better way to rid himself of the walking dead than by strapping a lawn mower to his chest and turning himself into a human combine. And so the stage is set.
How can one even determine a winner here? Yes, Ash wields his chainsaw like some kind of crazed lumberjack, but Lionel mows his sub-human lawn like his name was John Deere. Sparks fly, spinning blades whiz by each combatant's head, and as many near misses as lacerations befall the duo. So... what's the outcome?
Basically, it comes to who runs out of fuel first. So, in this case, we'll use fuel as a metaphor for the human spirit, and call this even.