How to Win at Facebook (By Pretending it’s Pokémon)
Pokémon and Facebook. Facebook and Pokémon. One of these is about getting something that can be used as a weapon, something that when properly controlled can help you become a god. The other is a popular anime.
- I Choose You
You can’t just be friends with anyone on Facebook. Oh no, you have to be very selective. You don’t see Ash throwing pokéballs at every putzy Pidgey that walks away. One putz is all you need; the same is true of Facebook. If you already have one awkward schmuck friend who ends every sentence with an exclamation point then you certainly don’t need another.
- Gotta Catch ‘Em All
BUT you need one of every type, after all. How else will you relate to the rest of the world? Make sure you have an entry in your friend’s list for every possible person. This is important later, because otherwise you might get jealous of someone else. “Wait, you know someone who posts bikini pictures? I haven’t encountered anyone who does that! Tell me what sorority house you were in.”
- Challenge Others
PokémonFacebook Master attains the title without initiating a fight. Sometimes you need to stir the pot, get things going. It’s best to post an incendiary status and see who comes flocking. Say things like, “I like Obama but I wish he wasn’t a Muslim” or “what’s the deal with homeless people” and watch the tirades begin. Don’t fear that you’ll lose; when the others begin an attack you’ll watch your own PokémonFacebook friends rise to the occasion with moves like “Bigotry” and “Judgement.”
Your friends/slaves will grow with time. Some will take years before they reach their other peak, others will evolve over the space of a summer, going from a Snorlax to a Machamp. This isn’t a bad thing; it’s a way of life. Pokémon change, people get new forms. Sometimes the above fight will be the impetus for said change. It’s important because when your friend grows from posting bikini pictures to photos of a study abroad in Greece you need to take her out of your lineup and find a new slut- I mean friend.
If a friend is just taking up space in your PC go ahead and release him or her. Throw them back into the wild, and let some other hapless trainer fill the void you left. This is the only humane thing to do- who wants an old account or useless fast food mascot cluttering up their friend list? Just be prepared for awkwardness when you’re walking through tall grass at the local mall and run into the wild person.
If you do all this you’re sure to be a
Pokémon Facebook Master in no time!